Nature’s lesson

polythecium Zool. Name for a colony or zoothecium of certain infusorians, in which the loricæ are united by their stalks. 

It’s nice to see loricæ united at last, after so much strife in the zoothecium. And let’s hear it for stalks, whose unifying role is all too easily overlooked.

We could learn a lot from certain infusorians.



In Filbert Street, two votaries of Staggering Bob are lying on the pavement, sharing a flagon, not demurely, but with warmth and companionable glee.

Lady Gossop, prinked and prim, approaches to a safe distance and admonishes them with shrill voice and tap-taps of her parasol on the flagstones:

Disgraceful! — public street! — spectacle! — reeking! — be off with you! — well I mean!

Votary 1: ‘Would yiz lige a zrink, Mizzuz?’

Votary 2: ‘Enny sbare zhange, Mizzuz?’

Votary 1: ‘Enny zhanze of a ride, Mizzuz?’

Prinked and prim pirouettes and minces quickly away, clutching her parasol and her dignity.

Votary 1: ‘G’wan outta that ya fad-arzed fuggin bitzh what-else-are-ya? Here, gimme that!’

Votary 2: ‘Zhe vanzies you!’

Lady Gossop turns a corner and suddenly feels cold.



I had a brand-new kitchen fitted,

and showed it proudly to my Treasure.

She said: ‘That surface won’t last very long.’

Bought a new sofa: “Is that a stain on the cushion?”

My brother got a new job. “But it’s still a very junior post.’

My uncle left me 40 grand: ’No one ever left me any money.’

I hope my Treasure will be happy,




Savour the moma

It’s hard to find much humour
in a suppurating tumour,
but my love brings out
the very best in me.

Gonna take her to a diner,
where I can undermine her
with my tangy wit
and saucy repartee.

First course is melanoma,
served with crusty papilloma,
and formed into a syphilitic cake.
Then a rampant carcinoma
or a galloping sarcoma,
and the sweetest angioma
they can make.

Don’t judge me:
It’s called palliative love,
and I deserve a diploma.

Me alone

My mind is raging tonight:
a wounded shark trashing
back and forth in the sea,
pained and directionless.

I see my blood spill out
and my pulsing heart pumps
more and more
rage into my flaying, trashing,
— don’t care who I kill —
— just let me live —
just let me know that
your cruelty is not for
me alone.


They stole out in dead of night
(though they knew it wasn’t right),
to slake the fiery passion
in their blood.

They met at Lovers’ Glee,
went behind a big old tree,
and proceeded with their slaking —

Just then a storm came from the east,
clouds rolled in like Jehovah’s beast,
and lightning tore the earth
and sky to shreds.

It was raining hogs and plovers
when the lovers were discovered,
lying dead beneath
the old come-uppance tree.

Guide to love

My sweetheart kisses like a frog
feasting on flies: Tzip! Tzip! Tzip!
It’s called ‘precision kissing’,
and apart from never missing,
it eliminates all wear upon her lips.

She was never very tactile,
so the long-range guided missile
is crucial to her armoury d’amour.
When she wants to show affection,
I just take evasive action,
but I don’t know how much more
I can endure.

Before Google


Dad, what was there before Google?

Very little, inquisitive son of mine!

Not much is known about pre-Google, son, but some reports have emerged:

In 1971, a coterie of hotheads in California were reported to conjoogle without koogle, but only among themselves, of course.

Two years later, a Bavarian farmer was arrested for trying to smoogle a joogle of hoogle inside his very own MacDoogle.

More bizarrely, the froogal monks of St Anselm’s Monastery in France made their own proogle on the premises, away from prying eyes and search engines — but this is now illoogal.


Le coeur a ses raisons


In Paris, Voltaire’s dog has been involved in yet another attack on members of the public. Three people were injured when the dog struck during morning rush hour in the Rue de Richelieu, close to the Palais Royal.

This is the latest in a series of seemingly unprovoked attacks on the people of Paris, although some terror experts are claiming that the cur has its reasons.