Month: February 2017

Hard sell

Twemlow’s Juicy Fruities
will always hit the spot,
whereas other Juicy Fruities
will not.

So grab a pack of Twemlow’s,
don’t let the moment pass.
No more prevarication,
or we’ll kick your fruity ass.


Squandered life

Who dares to speak of bed-sheets
when a necktie will do?
Fix it firmly to the cross-beam
and bid us all adieu.

— Well, I’m very glad that’s over,
I thought he’d never go.
He seemed to think that bed-sheets
like little apples grow.

Untie the knot and put it back
in Captain Tandy’s drawer.
The Captain’s only had one tie
for fifty years and more.

And therein lies the contrast
between Tandy and the stiff:
the latter was to squander
as the former is to thrift.

London Transported

In the wild Chorasmian wastes,
where the Oxus river flows,
I loitered many years
and suffered many blows.

All those years I longed for
a Sikorsky helicopter,
or short of that, a camel,
so I could adopt her
as my transport from that
stark benighted ground.

But no ‘copter and no camel
ever came my way,
all transport just a mirage
feeding on my fevered brain.

I’m reminded of those dark times,
every time I go to town,
while I’m standing on the platform
on London Underground.


Message received

What kind of heinous hellhound
would invite his ageing Dad round
and then slice the old man’s gullet ear-to-ear?

This is not a gentle story:
if you’re anathema to gory
I suggest you leave and pet a fallow deer.

Detectives in this bloody case
have launched an international chase
to stop the hellhound getting in the clear.

Let’s hope the patricidal swine
is made to toe the moral line,
whereby we don’t slice Daddy’s gullet ear to ear.

It’s written in the Good Book,
just go and have a good look
if you think it’s right to slice your Daddy dear.

The old paternal gullet
has no need for knife or bullet:
Must I stab you in the neck to make that clear?

Twemlow & I

While I beguiled the beldams
with my sultry southern charm,
Twemlow went to work
to disarm the alarm.

Agile as an alley cat,
he scaled the mezzanine,
while I regaled the beldams
with my Dapper Dan routine.

Twenty minutes later
we were flying to Peru,
diamonds in our pockets,
gilded gew-gaws for the crew.

So if you seek a life of ease
in old palatial style,
get yourself a Twemlow
and a wicked winning smile.


Silas of the lambs

Let’s see if Silas Poggenpohl
can put our minds at rest,
in the matter of the fifteen men
on a dead man’s chest.

Tell us, Silas, if you will,
exactly what you saw.
Even minor details
can be crucial to the law.

— Well, Oi were walkin ‘ome on Tuesdee,
rat-arsed as a koite,
when Oi perceived (is that the word?)
a most perdigious soight.

Blow moy brains and tweak moy nose,
roight there on the road,
were a bloated dead cardarver
wot looked just loike a toad.

Oi knew it were a man, though,
cos ‘e wore a sheepskin ’at.
You don’t often see a toad
in an ‘at loike that.

— But what about the fifteen men
you reported on his chest?
Is your statement truthful,
or just some shepherd’s jest?

— Well, Oi din’t ezactly count ‘em,
fifteen is a guess.
You can’t expect percision
in a shepherd’s wilderness.

Oi’m not edercated
like you lot in the law.
All Oi do is pass on to you
wot Oi think Oi saw.

And Oi think Oi saw ‘bout fifteen men,
dancin’ on ‘is chest,
though they moight ‘ave been the buttons
on ‘is regimental vest.

Just cos Oi talk funny,
(and this ‘ere poet makes it worse)
don’t mean that Oi’m a-jestin’
with you learned legal Sirs.

— Thank you, Mr Poggenpohl,
we have no further questions.
We find the poet guilty
of appalling condescension.


Ask the doc

Dear Dr Feelgood,
My wife has warts, which I’ve been treating for years with French mustard and fiery twemlows. But just recently she had a very bad reaction: her nether warts swelled to the size of a ball (somewhere between golf and tennis), and began selling tickets to sporting events. Is this normal?


Dear Worried,
Yes, it’s quite normal, though relatively rare. A recent case in Italy involved fiery twemlows and tickets to La Scala.

However, you should monitor the situation carefully. If you see any sign of tickets for volleyball, call your doctor immediately.

Dr Feelgood