Will can do?

**Parental guidance: Here be smut**

I forgot to pack the dildo,
so my beldam’s in a tizzy.
Two weeks in the Algarve
— how to keep her busy?

‘Have you tried the live volcano,
that’s spouting smoke and flame?
Why not take a walk up there,
while I watch the football game?’

— I don’t need a live volcano,
you’ve completely missed the point.
I need a cooling agent
to apply to where I’m moist.

‘How about a can of beer,
straight from the fridge?
Wedge it in your whatsit
like the capstone in a bridge.’

— You’re a cruel one, Mr Poet,
with no pity for my state.
You know as well as I do
that beer cans don’t vibrate.



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