Month: May 2017

Fan food

Not for me the curried goat
or even roasted grebe.
I’m a strictly veggies man
— I only eat dried weeds.

Seasoned with paprika
and the dillweed aromatic,
dried weeds indeed can surely feed
a Bedlam of fanatics.


The convert

Ali Aqbar Flanagan
was weary night and day,
for all his herd of camels
would stray, and stray, and stray.

‘Come back, yis blasted hump-backs’,
was Ali’s constant cry.
‘Don’t run in all directions
beneath this endless sky’.

‘Amn’t I bendin’ over backwards
to give yis a good home,
with every creature comfort
bar th’electric telephone?’

‘Ungrateful shower o’ feckers,
and blackguards of renown,
I should’ve stuck to horses,
for they never let me down.’


Conquering love

They say that true love conquers all,
though I have my reservations.
And so would you if shared with you
my beldam’s consummations.

We’ve all seen horses in the act
and mostly wish we hadn’t.
Imagine that with layers of fat
and reams of thermal cladding.

Now tell me true love conquers all,
and doesn’t make you ill.
If my beldam doesn’t turn you off,
then nothing ever will.

Territorial twitchings

A fully-grown caddow can easily overcome and kill a chough or a magpie, but such contests are extremely rare in nature. Laplace cites only one instance (near Bruges, in 1911), and even then, experts doubt that it was really a caddow, but more likely a jackdaw, or perhaps even a burl-chough.

Of course, Laplace was known to be ‘a bit of a drinker’, and he had a whiskey nose that glowed at night, sending flocks of birds to panicked flight. He wouldn’t know a caddow from a burl-chough if they presented their business cards at the door. But I digress.

The jackdaw (Jackus dawus) is very territorial, and will defend its genetic investment to the death. In contrast, the burl-chough (Chuffus burlus) is not so tough and won’t engage in physical stough, though it has been known to mock the caddow’s tail in a good-humoured way. According to Pilbeam’s Birds of the Copse & Glade, the element “burl” in the name derives from the adjective “burly”, but this is juvenile and ridiculous.

You see, like Laplace, Pilbeam struggled for years with alcohol and drug abuse, and was often heard imitating the call of the woodspurl in the undergrowth at Balmoral. Allegations of pederasty against him were unproven at the time of his death (though there’s no smoke without fire). But I digress.

Bird fanciers are a race apart, united by a inexhaustible passion for ruffling feathers.


A night out

So there I was in Lisson Grove,
no money for the bus,
my mobile out of juice
and fairly fit to cuss.

No friend was near, nor stranger,
past midnight, all alone,
I crawled the hapless pavement
in search of hearth & home.

Just then a flashing light appeared,
white and blue in hue,
and then my hand descended
on a size-twelve leather shoe.

The policeman was a friendly chap,
we shared a joke or three;
when I woke up my sorry butt
was locked in Cell Block C.

The right thing

I try to do the right thing
if the right thing can be done,
but knowing what the right thing is
bepuzzles everyone.

For instance, when my beldam slips
and falls in snowy weather,
should I laugh my ass off,
or run out to try and help her?

Cos if I run I might slip too,
— aye, there’s the rub! —
No, it’s best to laugh my ass off
from my seat inside the pub.