Christmas giving

Christmas is coming and the goose is getting fat. 

What a delightful jingle! Don’t you agree?

And in keeping with its theme of increase or gain, I’d be grateful if you’d augment the old man’s hat to the tune of a penny.

Feel free to correlate the ‘old man’s hat’ with the ‘goose’ in the jingle, specifically in terms of ‘getting fat’ (remember the theme of increase, gain, etc).

Of course, if you’re unable to comply with that request on a strictly quid pro quo basis, please be assured that a halfpenny would do, in lieu.

And if you haven’t got a halfpenny, f—k you.


An examined life

I gave my love a sublethal dose
— that was my first mistake.
My second was using tributinol
past its sell-by date.

But I do enjoy a challenge
and I’ve learned from all my loves.
Next time I will be more prepared
(memo: rubber gloves).

I’ve always been too timid,
especially in romance,
so yes,  my love, I’m grateful
for this second, final chance.

Afternoon a-swoon


Let’s see if Captain Manson
has the sense to keep his pants on
when the ladies come for tea and macaroons:

Oh there he goes again!
Captain Manson! when oh when
will you learn to stir the teapot with a spoon?

— It’s how we did it in the war,
no fancy silverware,
and it helped to galvanize the whole platoon.

The ladies aren’t impressed
by your military prowess,
now please reinstate your khaki pantaloons.

— O very well, Mein Führer,
I bow to your command
— but you didn’t say that on our honeymoon.