When doctors have kids

‘Come along, children — we’re leaving now. Malaria! Stop teasing Hepatitis and get in the car. Melanoma, gather up your things, dear. You can sit in the front with me, Polyp. You’re a big boy now, aren’t you?

Now fasten your seat belts, everyone — we don’t want cerebral haemorrhages, do we?’

— Are we there yet?

— Are we there yet?

— Are we there yet?

‘No, not yet. That would be a misdiagnosis of what may turn out to be a fairly protracted gestation period.’

— I want the toilet!

‘But I told you to go before we left Grandma’s!’

— Yes, but I’m detecting strong afferent signals in my sacral preganglionic neurons. Does that not indicate that micturition is imminent?

‘Oh alright! Polyp, hand your sister the pisspot.’



Insert flange A into runnel B, as far as C.

Noting the orientation, slide the top of D into groove E, as far as F.

Join G to H using sprocket I, ensuring a snug fit.

If necessary, re-align runnel B with groove E, to compensate for any shrinkage of flange A.

— I still think making a family was a lot more fun before IKEA.


Gone are the days when you could apply a stress-proof sealant to your wife and kids, and leave them for months on end with no worries. Back in the day — before “Government Regulation” — I could spend six months a year in Malibu, lying on the beach, and not worry for a second about my family. That was because of ‘Daddygon’, the stress-proof sealant that “feels like a deal as it seals”. I even got a discount for volume over at Zeb’s Hardware.

But like I say, gone are the days. They took ‘Daddygon’ off the market years ago, when some idjit in the government started going on about “paternity” and “responsibility”. Yeah, right.

So now I get back from Malibu and my family is a real mess, I tell ya. Takes me six months to restore them to their natural condition, by which time I’m bound for Malibu again. It’s a vicious circle and a crying shame.