Daily planner

I must remind old Millipede
that I won’t be here for tea:
I’m dining with the Duchess,
my car arrives at three.

I must remind old Shagpile
to put cushions underneath:
at my age being tossed about
could cost me all my teeth.

I must remind old Catflap
to fill the tyres with air:
at my age being tossed about
could cost me all my hair.

And I must remind the Duchess
I’ll be staying till next week:
at my age being talked about
is all the fun I seek.


 

Fit & nimble

Let’s see if Ernest Trimble is still as fit and nimble
as he used to be in nineteen twenty-two:

Ernest, can you raise your arm?
— Not since Adolf bought the farm.

Ernest, can you turn your head?
— Not since Lennon was shot dead.

Ernest, can you bend your knee?
— Not since phones were as big as me.

Ernest, can you tie your shoes?
— Not since they cancelled Hill Street Blues.

Ernest, can you… please your wife… somehow?
— Not since 2 o’clock. What time’s it now?