All in

The verger at St Anselm’s took me to one side;
he said ‘It might be better if you didn’t come inside.

Nothing personal, of course — ‘All Are Welcome Here’.
It’s just that Reverend Chadband thinks you might be queer.

The ‘All’ in ‘All Are Welcome’ is rhetorical, you see,
not to be confused with the ‘all’ in literally.’


Let’s see if Lexi Lennox
can decipher ancient runes.
He’s as subtle as a salmon
in a sack of silver spoons.

— I’m sure it’s ancient Hebrew
(akin to classic Welsh)
yes, I’m sure it’s ancient Hebrew
— either that or something else.

— What’s it say, young Lexi?
What’s the general gist?
I’m as eager as a deacon
at the Easter eucharist.

— It’s about a beldam
and a lusty country squire
fornicating in a churchyard
and cavorting in the choir.

— That’s enough, young Lexi,
we’ll have no more of that!
Go back to Harry Potter
and the Magic Cricket Bat.

Bible belt

Twemlow, have you lost your mind,
all sense of rhyme & reason?
No one but the Antichrist
wears yellow in mid-season.

Don’t go outside wearing yellow,
please tell me that you won’t.
You know what folks round here are like:
‘God loves you, but I don’t.’

So put away the yellow,
make an effort to conform.
They’ll hang the baby Jesus,
if he ever is re-born.