Category: nonsense verse


Let’s see if Dieter Drummond
has the gall to stake a claim,
after spending all the petty cash
on Rita What’s-her-name.

Dieter treated Rita
to a holiday in Nice,
then he bought her dainty frillies
from La Maison Caprice.

And all the while the petty cash
lay empty as the void:
not a cent to pay the rent
or feed a hungry boid.

Oh Dieter, must you treat her
like the Queen of Andrapash,
when the boids and Dale the landlord
are relying on the cash?



A writer’s complaint

Leroy Spurtz has the kind of name
you’d find in the Olympics,
and yet the crazy bastard
went and studied astrophysics.

I had him down for greatness
on the parallel bars,
instead of which he wastes his time
gazing at the stars.

What’s the point?, I ask myself,
of this here writing game,
when the characters I dream up
just treat me with disdain?

Anagram jam

Delmar likes the medlar pears,
for anagrammic reasons.
He picks them up at Mardel’s,
when the medlars are in season.

Such a pity Mardel’s pears
cause Delmar’s dermal lesions.
I told him to eschew the pears
but Delmar won’t see reason:

‘I’m not larmed by lesions
or by other dermal flaws.
I just lard ‘em up with medlars
and apply ‘em with a gauze.’

‘So don’t despise the medlar,
which makes such soothing jams,
and also shows such acumen
in making anagrams.’


Travel plans

I’d like to be a swallow
on my way to Capistrano,
but the open air appals me
— I prefer the subterrano.

A fibre-optic tunnel
would surely fill the need,
with laser-guided taxis
travelling at high speed.

With regular stops for cooling pops
and wayside hoop-de-doo,
I could be in Capistrano
before the moon is noo.


Spend and save!

Twemlow’s Fondant Fancies
are now on special offer:
buy some extra packs today
and stash them in your coffer.

Who knows when fate’s rude hammer
will fall upon your toe?
Twemlow’s Fondant Fancies
will help absorb the blow.

Who knows when life’s cold chisel
will slice your heart in two?
Twemlow’s Fondant Fancies
will save you buying glue.

The Ballad of Daisy Drew

Did Delmar Dealish dash the dreams
of dainty Daisy Drew?

— Decidedly, the demon did:
he dallied with her dilly,
then despicably withdrew!


How dastardly of Delmar,
to deal in dire deceit,
to daub a dainty beldam
like a hound dog in the street.

Daisy is in deep distress,
her dilly now despised.
Who will drive the darkness
from Daisy’s doleful eyes?

Daisy is in disarray,
despondent and defiled.
Who’ll dismiss the demons
that disorder all her mind?


— Droopy Drudge might have a go,
although he’s at death’s door.
He won’t mind a damaged dilly,
now he’s nearly ninety-four.

— Send for Droopy Drudge then,
and Deacon Vanderdreet.
They’re sure to dry young Daisy’s eyes
(but try to be discreet).

Oh, Delmar dealt in devilry
— a diabolic brew —
the day he danced upon the dreams
of dainty Daisy Drew.

Chorus and fade out.


The stuffed poke

How can an honest worker
earn his bowl of cream,
when all about are spouting
the old Utopian dream?

‘Fair pay for honest work’
— who ever heard such tosh?
Just rob the Bank of England
and stuff your poke with dosh.