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Historic allegations

‘Lynchpin’ Lynch pinched Lynn
but pinched Lynn didn’t flinch.
Now Lynn won’t budge an inch
till ‘Lynchpin’ Lynch is lynched.


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Poet saves the world!

My twemlows are all home-grown,
my pilbeams are organic.
My recycled leonoras
could save our lovely planet.

I never use a word just once
and throw it in the bin.
Even if it doesn’t fit,
I still can squeeze it in.

Maybe not the best way
to write my silly verse,
but it helps our lovely planet
and, in turn, the universe.


 

The visit

Opoponax O’Malley
will be in town today.
Let’s hear it for Opoponax
and hope that he will stay.

Opoponax is making tracks
for Delmar’s Beer ’n’ Babble.
Let’s hope he won’t be discompoped
by all the milling rabble.

Opoponax is leaving
— I think he’s had enough!
I would’ve thought Opoponax
was made of sterner stuff!

Just twenty beers at Delmar’s
and a burger, fries and shake.
He didn’t even stop off
at Rita’s Country Bake.

Opoponax, Opoponax,
we hope you liked your visit.
Come and see us any time
— it’s not a chore now, is it?


 

Filleted

When I get out I’m gonna shout
from the rooftops and the trees:
‘I didn’t kill the sous-chef
— he tried to fillet me!’

Twenty-seven years in jail
for a crime I didn’t do:
he slipped on a potato
and the fillet knife went through.

I still can hear him gurgling
on that filthy kitchen floor,
and cursing the potato
while he thrashed about in gore.

Now I aim to clear my name,
and unbesmirch my scutcheon,
though remorse is off the menu
— the sous-chef had it coming.


 

Save the twemlow!

Did you know that at the present rate of decline, the twemlow could be extinct within the next 4,000 years?

Have your seamstress fashion a gallipoke for you, and make a strong statement about the wholesale slaughter of the lesser crested twemlow in Nova Zembla.

It doesn’t have to be a calmet or even a pilbeam — just a simple, hand-sewn gallipoke makes a powerful statement in these wicked times.

And remember to Like us on Facebook.


 

On the line

On the subject of railway couplings, Twemlow speaks very highly of the Sprat & Winkle system, for its ‘reliability’, while Pilbeam admires the ‘simplicity’ of the Wilmot & Pryce.

For me, however, the Stanhope Quadrant system is very hard to beat. No, it’s not simple, but why should it be? When you’re responsible for the lives of thousands of rail passengers every day, is ‘simplicity’ really such a desirable feature? And consider this: will ‘reliability’ ease your pain as you lie dying in a pool of blood beside a railway track, one leg in the carriage and the other in a field of new-mown hay?

So I’ll stick with the Stanhope Quadrant, thank you very much, and let irresponsible murderous bastards speak for other coupling systems.

My conscience is clear.